We All Have Closets

My community has a special relationship with the closet. But if I'm honest, we'd be wise to expand to whom and what the closet applies.

Photo by Pramod Tiwari on Unsplash

A Brief Note: This is the final part of a monthlong series celebrating National Coming Out Day on October 11, 2023. Coming out as gay was the first significant Journey of Courage in my life, and strongly informs my own ideas about Courage. I’m writing this series not just for queer people, but for anyone who has ever held a meaningful part of themselves inside.

• October 1: Love and Courage

• October 8: What Coming Out Taught Me About Courage

• October 15: Coming Out, Again

• October 22: We All Have Closets

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I’ll let you in on a little, err, secret.

When queer people go on first dates, we often trade our coming out stories.

“Where did you grow up?”

“Do you have siblings?”

“When did you come out?”

The answer provides an information-rich window into our world.

As queer people, we each have our own coming out stories—some are tragic and painful, others are comedic and light-hearted; some are years in the making, others are completely spontaneous or accidental. These stories move us, entertain us, help us understand each other, and bond us together.

Taking nothing away from the unique struggles and experience of my queer community, the truth is that we’re all in a process of coming out. We all have parts of ourselves being kept in a closet, yearning to be freed.

What can be kept in a closet

Besides sexuality, just about anything can be kept in a closet: who we are, what we care about, what we think and feel, what we’ve lived through.

I’m not talking about the things we choose to keep private. I’m talking about what we keep private out of fear. I’m talking about keeping the closet door shut despite our wanting to crack it open and let people in.

There are many examples of this.

• The person who wants to come out as an art lover

• The person who wants to come out as neurodivergent

• The person who wants to come out with their political beliefs

• The person who wants to come out as someone who experienced sexual abuse

• And on and on…

We are all prey to the gravitational pull of shame and power, forces that keep us down and hidden. Each of us carry the burden of having to contemplate, calculate, and strategize our way up and out.

We’re all scared.

We all want to protect ourselves.

We all pick and choose what we present.

But we all want to be free.

So here’s my rallying cry

If you find yourself wanting to share more of yourself with others, but are reluctant or even terrified, consider yourself in the process of coming out.

Connect to the love you need to feel safe.

Remember that, on the other side of the closet, there is liberation, connection, and community.

Get in conversation with Courage, and be patient with it.

Coming out looms large in queer consciousness. But it should loom large in all our consciousness.

The closet is a collective struggle. As soon as we see that we’re all in one, the sooner we can help each other break free.

And so:

• What part of yourself do you want to share with others?

• Putting your worries aside, if you shared this thing with others, what might become possible?

• How does the idea of a closet—or coming out—serve you? What does it clarify for you?

- Elliot

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