What Coming Out Taught Me About Courage
When you share yourself with others, it allows you to find your people—and make your mark on the world
A Brief Note: This post is part of a monthlong series celebrating National Coming Out Day on October 11, 2023. Coming out as gay was the first significant Journey of Courage in my life, and strongly informs my own ideas about Courage. I’m writing this series not just for queer people, but for anyone who has ever held a meaningful part of themselves inside.
October 1: Love and Courage
October 8: What Coming Out Taught Me About Courage
October 15: Coming Out, Again
October 22: We All Have Closets
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When I was a teen considering coming out to my parents, I was only thinking of myself. I needed to share my secret if nothing else than to end my own depression. I was thinking little about what came next or what it meant in the bigger scheme of life.
And if that’s where my coming out ended—as a freeing, personal disclosure—that would have been fine.
But that’s not where it ended. And that’s not where coming out of any kind ends.
Certainly, coming out is an off ramp from the oppression of the closet.
It’s also an on ramp to a new world of hope.
Coming out into community
I was blown away when I recently learned the origin of the term “coming out”. It’s all about community.
In his book, Gay New York, historian George Chauncey explains:
A gay man's coming out originally referred to his being formally presented to the largest collective manifestation of prewar gay society, the enormous drag balls that were patterned on the debutante and masquerade balls of the dominant culture.
In my own experience, I felt this deeply.
Coming out didn’t just help me express my truth—it was my first step toward finding my people.
The summer after I came out, I became a member of About Face Youth Theater. We were an ensemble of queer youth, supported by queer adult artists.
The first production I was part of was called “Raising Voices”. We collected queer stories from history, crafted them into a play, and performed them onstage and in schools throughout Chicago. In a sign of just how connected we are, George Chauncey—the historian quoted above—advised our production.
Queer people often tell their coming out stories as the process of the reveal. But the sense of community they build over the months and years following are just as important to that story. My coming out expanded my world by connecting me to other queer kids, to the queer generation above me who ran our shows, with a broader sense of queer history, and with audiences who cheered us on and read about us in the newspaper.
Before coming out, I was stuck in my own mind, negotiating with myself, feeling lost. Coming out allowed me to find my place in the universe.
Focusing on the bigger picture
Each person’s coming out journey—of any kind—will take a different shape. But the common denominator is that, when we reveal ourselves, we take a step toward belonging.
It’s so easy to fall back on the myth that Courage is a solo act, that moving toward ourselves is a product of our own sheer force of will and perseverance.
I wonder what happens, though, when we can imagine there’s a community awaiting us on the other side. A community that wants to welcome us, help us, teach us, learn from us. A community that’s as expansive as time.
Personally, it’s easy to avoid sharing myself with others. What will people think? Will it be worth it? It’s not necessary.
But seeing how sharing myself is a road to community is a powerful motivator. I do want a sense of belonging. I do want to be part of a larger story and to make my mark.
By the 1970s, following the Stonewall Uprising, “out of the closet and into the streets” became a popular slogan and rallying cry—an evolving belief that coming out was a form of political activism, that one’s own coming out is a form of solidarity that contributes to a larger movement of equality.
Courage helps us move toward ourselves. And in the bigger picture of life, that moves us toward a better world.
- Elliot
Some questions to reflect on:
How do you think about sharing yourself? What happens when you see it as a form of community building?
If you’re feeling lost, disconnected, or needing community, could it be a sign you need to share more of yourself?
If you could practice more Courage in your life, how might you help the world?
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