What to Do with Fear
When you're stuck in fear, here are five questions to engage with it
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” - Franklin D Roosevelt
In my first newsletter, I promised to write with a level of depth and honesty that makes me nervous to hit send.
When I first drafted today’s newsletter, I started with the idea that we could move past fear primarily by putting something more important next to it. It’s a strategy I’ve used for myself, and it’s helped me put some fears in perspective.
Simple equation. Step-by-step guide. Voilà!
It was too convenient, and so I scrapped it.
It didn’t honor the severe and paralyzing grip that fear can have on us—that it’s had on me, and still does at times.
I started thinking about a very real, specific fear I’ve carried in my own life for a long time. One that’s very present for me these days. Sure, it’s a fear that’s kept me safe. But it’s also held me back from sharing myself fully with others.
My limbs got heavy and my heart gently ached. I yearn to see fear as benevolent—an emotion that earnestly protects us from danger. But when fear can be so unreasonable, merciless, and misguided at times, it’s difficult to see it that way.
Our fears can silently take control of us, keep us from becoming close with people we care about, and hold us back from ourselves. They can be painful, disorienting, isolating, and full of shame.
Often we just don’t know what to do with fear. And so we avoid or resign to it.
Below, I propose a handful of ways we can engage with fear. It’s not a heroic plan to overcome them fully, it’s not a rallying cry toward fear.
It’s a full recognition of the fraught relationship we have with our fears, and a genuine attempt to help us answer the question, “What can I do with fear?”
Why we need to engage with fear
Fearlessness—the notion we can be void of fear or abolish it completely—is a mythology we’ve created around Courage. It’s part of the reason Courage feels so out of reach for many of us.
Because of the myth of fearlnessness, coaching clients will often ask me, “So am I just supposed to pretend my fear isn’t there? Or I need to make it go away completely?”
The answer is “no” for a few reasons:
It’s not clear fearlessness is even a real thing.
Fear will run your life if you ignore it; it will fight back if you attack it
This is such a black-and-white way of thinking. (And for as smart as we are as humans, we’re amazingly prone to adopt this type of thinking). Like most things, the answer and reality are often somewhere in between.
But let’s take a step back.
What does fear have to do with Courage, anyway?
Remember, Courage is the practice of moving toward yourself.
When there’s something you want for yourself, a fear will often appear with the intention of keeping you from danger. Want to switch jobs? That’s not practical at your age. Express yourself differently? You’re going to look ridiculous. Change in your relationship? You’ll be all alone.
Not only can we not make our fears go away entirely, but we don’t need them to and—more crucially—we don’t necessarily want them to.
One positive thing about fear is that it can tell us we’re in the land of Courage. The very presence of fear can signal you’re on the right track, moving toward something meaningful for yourself, operating in Courage. Put another way: the more you stand in Courage, the more fears you’ll activate. You’ll be able to bring more Courage into your life if you can learn to work with fear.
The challenge is that our fears often disguise themselves as truths—large, immutable truths. The sheer size and rigidity of these fears can stop us in our tracks, get us stuck permanently, and keep us from moving toward ourselves.
To move forward, we need to make our fears smaller and more movable. We can achieve this by engaging them, asking ourselves the following questions:
Is it fact or fear?
Why is the fear here?
How do I want to relate to it?
What can I learn from it?
What do I choose to do with it?
1. Is it fact or fear?
To practice Courage, we need to become skilled at hearing what fear is saying, feeling the presence of fear, and questioning the truth of our fears.
Hear It: What’s the story you’re telling yourself that’s getting you stuck? What is it saying to you specifically? “That’s not practical at your age.” “You’re going to look ridiculous.” “You’ll be all alone.” Remember, fear often sounds like a statement that’s specific, broad, and logical enough to be a fact. That’s part of the reason it’s difficult to recognize. Write down what the fear is saying.
Become Aware of It: How do you know fear is present for you? Does it come in the form of an intense thought? Does it manifest in your body somewhere, or show up in the pace you move? Does it trigger an emotional response? What kind of voice does it speak in? These clues can help you identify when fear is around.
Pressure Test It: Take the statement your fear is telling you and simply ask, “Do I know this to be absolutely true?” Fears are not truths. They are, at best assumptions, predictions, guesses, or beliefs. It may be powerful for you to say to yourself, “This is a fear, not a fact.”
When we hear our thoughts as facts, we accept them easily.
But when we see them as fears, we can gently hold them in our hands, get curious about them, and mold them.
2. Why is the fear here?
When you’re in the presence of fear, you’re usually in the presence of Courage.
Take a moment to appreciate that. Fear is a positive signal toward your greatness.
So beyond the potential danger, what else is the fear pointing to? What’s the bigger thing—what you want for yourself—that the fear is responding to?
As I’ve been on my own journey to becoming a coach, for example, there have been countless fears that appeared: I’ll sound crazy to people, I can’t make the money I want to make, I’m not ready, I’ll get bored and won’t grow. I could look left and try to reason with these fears and figure out the risk, or I could look right and stand in awe of what they’re fighting against: my desire to help people, do what I’m best at, and bring more Courage into the world.
Sometimes seeing your fear in the presence of something greater than it is all the clarity you need to move toward yourself. As you do that, the fear doesn’t go away; you don’t move past it and leave it in the dust. It just becomes smaller and movable, so you can continue to reach for what you want in its presence.
3. How do I want to relate to it?
You can’t change the fear, but you can change how you relate to it.
What is your relationship to fear in general? Think of fear as a character in your life. Is it a monster you want to run away from? An ex you can never fully trust? A professor whose word you take as fact? You probably have an existing relationship to fear that guides how you respond and act toward it.
Given your existing relationship, what do you believe about fear and how do you respond to it? What is currently not possible because of that relationship?
Now ask yourself what you want that relationship to be. A new romantic partner you want to learn about? A skilled colleague you want to partner with? Consider what would become possible if you took on a different relationship.
For me, I want my relationship to fear to be that of a true best friend. Fear knows me, means well, and wants the best for me. But it’s also rooting for me and would never hold me back from myself. When I hold this relationship to fear, I feel both protective of and protected by my fears. I want to hold fear closely.
4. What can I learn from it?
Fear doesn’t love conversation—it just wants to be trusted and left alone.
Know that your conversation with it will only make it smaller and more moveable.
There are many things you can choose to tell or ask it. Here are a handful of ways you might be able to start the conversation and learn from it.
Can it help you let go of it? Start by thanking your fear for its protection. What role has it played to keep you safe? Make a list, if you’d like, maybe even write it a letter. As you do this, be curious about whether you still need this fear or whether you can ask it to loosen its reigns on you.
Can it tell you how you need to be? Let’s imagine your fear says you’re going to hurt your friend’s feelings—and you know that that’s a possibility but not a fact. Use that valuable information to shape how you move forward. Perhaps it means you express concern for your friend’s feelings head on or with greater sensitivity as a way to make the fear smaller.
Can it tell you how to get started? We are good at jumping to the most extreme outcome, but let’s imagine your first step forward. Given your current fear, what’s the first step you could take that would reduce your risk? Could you try out starting small before making the big leap? Could you bring in a close friend you trust before bringing in your whole community? Ask it where you should start.
Can it tell you what else to bring in? Consider what’s at the root of your fear, a level below the statement. Is it fear of being unloved? Fear of losing control? If the deeper concern is around losing security, for instance, what else could you bring into your life or your perspective to bolster your security? What what would help you feel secure now—or eventually—to make that fear less dominating?
When we ignore or try to conquer the fear, we miss the opportunity to find these clues. But when we have a conversation with fear, it can help us navigate moving forward.
5. What do I choose to do with it?
I love this question because it points to the fact that, even though we can’t control the fear, we can always choose what to do with it.
Sometimes we choose to let our fears stay big for now. In other cases, we choose to take a forward action in our lives. In other cases, we choose to continue engaging with the fear deeply.
All are choices, and all are Courageous. Remember that.
As you make your fears smaller and more movable, you might feel pressure to “take the leap”—the big, external actions that everyone around you can concretely recognize as proof of your Courage. Actions like quitting a job, moving to another country, starting your own business.
Again, this is black-and-white thinking at play.
Consider any leap you’ve made in your life. You’ll recognize that there is always a series of smaller, Courageous actions that built up to the leap. And there continued to be a series of smaller, Courageous actions that followed it. Courage is the practice of moving toward yourself, and so each of these actions is equally Courageous.
Your task is to keep making these small, Courageous choices along the way.
I’d love to hear what you think, either in the comments or through a private note.
If nothing else, I want people to realize their fears are not facts. When we see fears as facts, we get intensely stuck, desperate, and uncomfortable. What often happens is that, eventually—after much pain—our fear shrinks in comparison to our mental and physical anguish. At that point, we have no choice but to move past the fear, in order to save ourselves. But that should be the absolute last resort.
I want you to realize you can engage with fear on your terms, with compassion for yourself, and with choices.
As always, I appreciate you coming along. Next Sunday, we’ll explore where Courage begins.
- Elliot
Each week, I ask a handful of questions for you to contemplate so you can connect to Courage in your own way. Take a moment to reflect on these. If you like to journal, feel free to do so.
What do you think is the relationship between fear and Courage?
Consider the idea that engaging with fear is a Courageous act. What does that motivate you to do about fear in your life?
As you look at these five questions, which feel easiest for you? Which are most difficult? How might this shape how you move forward?
Beyond yourself, how might you help others engage with fear? With people in your life, how can you help them engage with fear in a clear, curious, and caring way?