Understanding the Stages of Courage
What I've learned about the inspiring, messy, navigable reality of moving toward yourself
Writer’s Note: I’m publishing this piece on the 1-year anniversary of laying myself off and taking a sabbatical. I’ve included a voiceover to give context about the piece and my writing process. I’m hugely appreciative of everyone who has joined this community so far! If you’re not yet subscribed, you can join here for free:
If you find yourself frustrated about where you’re at in your life, here’s what I want you to know: you’re standing in the first stage of Courage, beginning a journey of moving toward yourself. And if you continue in Courage, you will reach a point of such clarity and conviction in who you’re becoming that you’ll open up unimaginable possibilities for yourself.
It may sound dramatic or hard to believe, but that’s the course that Courage takes. It can be borne out of desperation—a recognition you’re standing in the wrong space—and lead you to a fresh sense of self. But there’s quite a bit in between.
Below I’ve outlined what I see as the three Stages of Courage, along with the behaviors found within each stage. It’s what I believe is a universal arc of Courage. It is representative of every journey of Courage I’ve experienced, including mine of the past couple years. It’s also typical of what I see in the world and in my coaching clients.
A few notes before we get started:
Why break Courage down like this? Often we’re not privy to the journey of Courage someone goes on—particularly during the first and second stages, where where much of the work is done out of sight. And most of us don’t analyze our own journeys of Courage. As a result, how Courage unfolds over time remains a mystery for most of us. We see the person who is “Standing in a New Self” and we want that for ourselves. We want to fast-forward and be there already. But that’s not how Courage works, and that’s not how life works. This framework allows us to see how Courage operates in fuller context.
How universal is this model? This is an initial attempt to capture the journey of Courage. Take note of anything you think might be missing or variable. As with all my writing, I’m not interested in being “right”. My goal is to make Courage accessible to people, and so I’m much more interested in having you put Courage in your own hands and see what works for you.
What am I supposed to do with this? There’s no ideal timeline for traversing these stages—some may occur over years, others in moments. What’s crucial, however, is that you recognize what stage or behavior you’re in at any given time. That awareness can allow you to figure out how to move forward without getting stuck. Do recognize that Courage is not the outcome of these stages. Rather, it’s the whole process, present in every moment of each stage.
Stage 1: Moving Toward Yourself
When you’re comfortable in most aspects of your life, you have little reason to move from the space you’re in. But, despite the comfort you’ve achieved, you might still have the feeling that something isn’t quite right in your life. Yearning, the initial behavior of Courage, urges you to consider moving to a new space. As a safety-seeking creature, you engage in Bargaining, exploring whether you can move toward yourself while still maintaining the security of your current space. At some point, however, you’ll have to acknowledge whether to stay put or move toward yourself. That’s Leaping, which propels you to the next stage.
Yearning
Courage begins when you allow yourself to listen to your own desires, rather than put yourself on autopilot, catering to what others want for you. When you’re able to tune into this, you find yourself becoming aware that there’s something out there for you. You don’t know what it is exactly, how to get to it, or even if it’s right for you. But one way or another, you hear it—whether it’s loud and disruptive or quiet and prolonged. For most people, it will feel just like an ordinary life problem to solve, not the beginnings of a larger journey of Courage. Regardless, you have a sense and a pull toward a different way of being in the world.
Bargaining
As the Yearning makes it more clear you can’t stay where you are, you begin Bargaining with it. You attempt to make an isolated change in your life without changing yourself. In your heart, you may know exactly the scale of the change you need, but meanwhile you strive to maintain the status, security, or identity you worked hard for and enjoy. Your negotiations are characterized by delaying (“Maybe later”), minimizing (“I shouldn’t complain given the comforts of my life”), or compromising (“I can handle this”). This is where you can get stuck, pinballing between Yearning and Leaping. You may ultimately choose to calibrate to someone else’s expectations rather than moving toward your own.
Leaping
To avoid Bargaining in perpetuity, you need to fully and consciously acknowledge one of two sides of the same coin: “I am indeed in the wrong space” or “I want to go to a new space”. You may share it out loud to a confidant, express it in an action you take, or say it quietly to yourself. But in this moment, you are Leaping into an unknown journey—fears and all—in pursuit of your desires.
Stage 2: Navigating the Forest
You are pointed in the direction of a new space for yourself! But in between your current space and the new space lies a dense, uncharted forest. You’ve entered that forest without a map—hopeful what you seek is within the forest, but uncertain how to get there.
This stage of Courage is marked by a few distinct characteristics:
Whereas the behaviors in the first and third stages of Courage are linear, the behaviors in the forest are in no particular order. They are a suite of behaviors that will commingle and repeat. You don’t Navigate the Forest in a straight line, you twist and turn and circle back and explore.
The feelings of fear, doubt, and insecurity permeate this entire stage. Like many psychologists, I believe fear is a well-intentioned (but often misguided) reflex signaling the path ahead may be dangerous. Instinctively, it aims to lead you back to Bargaining. The behaviors in this stage serve as counterbalances to the fears, keeping you in the forest and keeping you moving.
The key to Navigating the Forest is to stay pointed in the direction of yourself, not to turn back and retrace your steps. Your job is to learn your way around and gather clues about where you’re heading.
Shedding
You’re carrying a lot into the forest—old habits, identities, perspectives, and goals. Not all of these are going to help you here. In fact, some will outright thwart your ability to find your way. To Navigate the Forest, you’ll need to let go of the parts of your life that hold you back, incorporating into your repertoire only those tools that can help you along your journey.
Tooling
You will discover which new ideas, training, and relationships you’ll need to add to your repertoire. What’s the new vision for yourself? What kind of learning do you have to commit to? What kind of community do you need for support? Think of this as shoring up all the skills and sustenance you’ll need when you face a new challenge or fork in the road.
Sensing
When you’re on a clear path or in the comforts of life, you don’t have to pay as much attention to your surroundings. But when you’re in the middle of the forest, you have to stay attuned to yourself and to the environment around you. You’ll have to employ all your senses: your emotions, your intuition, your wisdom, your listening. These will be your compass, keeping you moving in the right direction and out of danger.
Pursuing
This is the behavior of taking action. In taking a step, you’re experiencing how it feels to move toward yourself, seeing what it tells you, and learning what you need to take the next step. You don’t have an overall blueprint, and you’re not jumping to the most extreme action. What matters is that you’re doing something, taking step-by-step movements, each step informing the next.
Sharing
Along the way, you engage others in helping you move forward, letting other people know the journey you’re on. This is where you bring your inner journey to the outside—when the time is right and on the scale you feel comfortable. What you receive in return is feedback, support, and a reflected sense of self. Among other benefits, this becomes a potent source of fuel for your journey.
Stage 3: Standing in a New Self
As you enter this stage, you don’t exit the forest. You stay in the forest—there’s more to explore! What changes is that you’re Integrating, able to see and feel yourself in a new light. All your Shedding, Tooling, Sensing, Pursuing, and Sharing has changed you in a meaningful way. Now, finding your way around the forest feels more joyful and effortless. You are Expanding, ready to discover more.
Integrating
It’s hard to see yourself when you’re busy, under the canopy of the forest. But suddenly you find yourself fully changed, with no desire to go back. Sure, you still have doubts and uncertainties, but they don’t carry the same inertness they once did. You’re moving in a new way in the world, looking ahead rather than behind, confident you’re occupying the space in which you fully belong.
Expanding
The forest has become your new normal. Now you’re able to imagine beyond your initial sense of what was possible, wanting to go further and deeper into the forest. This desire comes from a place of preparation, growth, and readiness. And so you pursue your next journey of Courage within the space of the forest, not from a Yearning to leave it. You wake up in the forest each morning eager to find new ways of stretching your Courage.
I have to say—I’ve learned so much about how Courage works not because I’ve perfected it (Courage isn’t a practice that can ever be fully mastered), but because I’ve pointed myself in its direction, connected to it, and paid attention to it. I offer this framework as one way to help you put Courage in your own hands, so you can do the same.
As always, I welcome your feedback and comments here. And if you got something of value from this article, I encourage you to share it with someone in your life.
- Elliot
Each week, I ask a handful of questions for you to contemplate so you can connect to Courage in your own way. Take a moment to reflect on these. If you like to journal, feel free to do so.
As you consider these stages of Courage, what becomes clearer to you about how Courage works in practice?
Consider a journey of Courage you’ve been on in your life, either recently or in the past. How does it map onto these stages? What resonates, and what’s missing?
If you’re in the midst of a journey of Courage, where do you find yourself in this framework right now? What do you need to do next to keep moving forward?